What's so bad about being a nice guy?
Based on the book by Robert Glover, No More Mr. Nice Guy, the Nice Guy tends to be anything but nice.
In fact, most of the time his “nice guy" behaviors work against him which leave him frustrated and full of resentments. As a result, he becomes passive aggressive and seeks to get his needs met through various dysfunctional and often relationship destroying behaviors.
Here are a few of these behaviors that the Nice Guy does in order to stay nice:
He’s the guy who will tell white lies to avoid feeling discomfort about the truth. He lies by omission, leaving out details that others might perceive as flaws.
He’s the guy who will do nice things as covert contracts. He has unspoken expectations that he’s hoping will be returned. Of course, when his expectations go unmet he develops a resentment and acts out in a passive aggressive way.
Ultimately the Nice Guy is someone who fears rejection and seeks validation from others. His mode of operation is to act nice hoping others will tell him he’s good, kind and worth while.
The Nice Guy hates himself and has a subconscious belief that he is unlovable just as he is. He’s sure that if anyone finds out who he really is they will reject him.
He’s the kind of guy who will say yes to everything to avoid rejection and hoping to gain approval. Since deep down he doesn’t want to do the thing he has said yes to, he develops an unspoken resentment that carries over into his relationships.
A Nice Guy will tell a pretty lie to avoid the discomfort of telling an ugly truth. A good man will deliver the truth, however unpleasant because his integrity will not let him deceive anyone for his own comfort.
The Nice Guy tends to play the victim role; he blames others, circumstances and the universe for his situation.
This guy will make promises to please others then fails to follow through or do it half-assed. If you call him on it, he will turn it around and make it seem like it is your fault.
He wants to be the hero and often finds partners who are in need of “fixing." This is often so he can unconsciously stay superior in the relationship. But then when things get tough he disappears or ghost out from the relationship.
The Nice Guy will acquiesce his power to others. He’s afraid of making mistakes and disappointing others for fear of rejection. This creates an internal void where he is unsure what his needs really are.
He’s the guy who stays stuck in his job and career because it’s safe. Since he lacks leadership skills, he’s often overlooked for career advancements and then is resentful towards his employer.
He’s the kind of guy who will tell you what you want to hear then turn around and do the thing he wants to do and blame it on your communication.
The Nice Guy is looking for the easy way. He knows there is a backdoor and will try to find it even if it takes him on a longer path. He’s always looking for the quick and easy fix.
He the guy who will settle; bad sex, bad career bad life. The result is he lives his life in quiet desperation, hoping that someone is going to come along and save him.
He has an unconscious belief that in order to be loved, he has to take shit from others and has a difficult time setting boundaries.
In the end, the Nice Guy is anything but nice.
The opposite of a Nice Guy isn’t an asshole.
The opposite of a Nice Guy is an integrated man, or what I like to call “The Good Man".
The good man is someone who can validate himself and feel good from the inside out.
The good man is the man who will do things without the expectation of a payoff because he is operating from a place of his core values.
He does what is right, not what is expedient. He operates from a clear set of values and virtues.
He has boundaries and will keep those boundaries in tact even if it leads to ending toxic relationships.
He doesn’t fear rejection because he is self-validated and confident in himself.
He clearly communicates his needs and wants and makes them a priority over pleasing others.
As a result, he can give from a place of abundance rather than emptiness.
He knows who he is and likes himself.
A Good Man is concerned about his character rather than how he looks to others.
He is constantly seeking to improve himself, not, so others will like him, but because he loves himself and feels he is of value to the world.
The Good Man gives from his abundance. He doesn’t operate from a scarcity mentality. He knows there is enough for everyone and that is personal values is to give generously to others.
The Good Man will not seek to “fix” others. He will, however, offer assistance if it is needed and wanted and expect nothing in return.
He’s not trying to make others fit into his model of what he thinks others should be but knows that everyone is on a journey of discovery.
In the end, the Good Man will speak truth with kindness and compassion. He operates from a place of love and not a place of seeking approval.
If this resonates with you, contact me and let’s talk further about your journey into becoming a Good Man.